*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
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Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Finally!
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…