I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
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ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
There’s never enough good news
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.