Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
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[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.