I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
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Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes