My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
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My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!