I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
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Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat