You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
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i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.