Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
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A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke