I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
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What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.