Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
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Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
felt that
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
The pasta is now
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Science memes