*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
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Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Jupiter
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.