– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
You Might Also Like
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist