[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
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Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.