Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
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Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
🤣🤣🤣
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?