I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
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[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Greeting humans vs their dogs
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup