My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
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Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
#Caturday
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute