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Rambo Rambow
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman