“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
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You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
be careful
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks