2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
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Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out