Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
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4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Ron is short for Aaronald
A little too much information.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds