6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
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Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Smile they said.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
u spoke cat all this time??????
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Just why bro?!
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!