Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
You Might Also Like
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
More like Kate Missington.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!