They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
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– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I feel seen
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Tastes like chicken.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin