We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
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I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?