My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
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A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??