It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
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I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.