doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
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If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.