There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
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Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted