Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.