72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.