[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
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Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
The news is so predictable nowadays
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.