Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
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A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.