My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
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Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.