wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
You Might Also Like
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
My blood type is b hungry.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
congratulations to them
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”