NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
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[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I wish I could veto my bills.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
seems like a niche market
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS