I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
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Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity