Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
You Might Also Like
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.