“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
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if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?