How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
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[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I have no passwords left in me
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.