When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
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LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.