*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
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Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
incredible
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*