I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
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Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
OH. COME. ON.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out