[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
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*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.