doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
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Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.