My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
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if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
#gardening
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’