Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
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eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I love you…
…r dog.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I have no passwords left in me