A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
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In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.