“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
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I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Worst perfume name ever.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
My blood type is b hungry.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.