Just me and my debit card against the world
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You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
They’re not wrong
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.