* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
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Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.